{"id":315,"date":"2009-07-17T14:11:56","date_gmt":"2009-07-17T19:11:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/?p=315"},"modified":"2012-11-10T04:34:40","modified_gmt":"2012-11-10T10:34:40","slug":"0140-the-franchise-agreement","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/2009\/07\/17\/0140-the-franchise-agreement\/","title":{"rendered":"0140 — The Franchise Agreement"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s (Almost) Friday! The Franchise Agreement<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

[acknowledgements below]<\/p>\n

The other day, we elders were chatting about the possibility of canceling Wednesday night services for part of the summer.\u00a0 The volunteers in our children\u2019s ministry are worn out, and the school year has gotten so long that the summer is filled with mission trips, VBS, and such. But it was just talk.<\/p>\n

But word got out. Word always gets out. A retired elder grabbed me in the hall. He said he\u2019d heard about our discussion. He had a look of sheer panic on his face.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know you can\u2019t do that,\u201d he said with the greatest of urgency.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou mean politically? There\u2019s nothing in the Bible on it, of course, and the church will support the decision, I\u2019m sure,\u201d I replied \u2014 naively as it now seems looking back on this fateful conversation.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no,\u201d he shook his head. \u201cYou forgot about the franchise agreement! How could you forget about the franchise??\u201d<\/p>\n

I assured him that I had no idea what he was talking about, and I thought sure he\u2019d lost his mind. He was, after all, quite elderly.<\/p>\n

It must have shown on my face, because he looked me straight in the eyes and said, \u201cI\u2019m not crazy!\u201d He looked deeply embarrassed. \u201cWhen I retired, I guess I forgot to give a copy\u00a0 to the next guy. You see, in churches of Christ, the senior elder always keeps a copy of the secret franchise agreement. It has all the rules that you think ought to be in the Bible but aren\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n

A few days later he drove to my house and handed me an ancient, dusty document, plainly labeled \u201cFranchise Agreement.\u201d And as old as it was, the lettering remained very clear.<\/p>\n

The retired elder leaned close and whispered in my ear. \u201cNow it will all make sense. All the gaps, and silences, and peculiarities \u2014 now you\u2019ll understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

And now, you\u2019ll understand.<\/p>\n

cHURCH OF CHRIST FRANCHISE AGREEMENT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Agreement made by and between the Holy Trinity, acting through its agents on earth, the editors of the sound periodicals, (\u201dFranchisor\u201d or \u201cFranchisors,\u201d as the usual rules for pluralization don\u2019t really apply) and ___________ church of Christ (\u201dchurch\u201d).<\/p>\n

WITNESSETH THAT<\/p>\n

WHEREAS, Franchisors have made their will clear through the Holy Scriptures, such than anyone with common sense and an open heart may understand Franchisors\u2019 commands contained therein; and<\/p>\n

WHEREAS, it is nonetheless necessary to lay those commands out in terms that can be even more easily understood; and<\/p>\n

WHEREAS, church desires to obtain a franchise so that its status as a sound and faithful congregation within the brotherhood of the saints is established and so that it will be listed in The Churches of Christ in the United States<\/em> as such – and get all the mailings; and<\/p>\n

WHEREAS, Franchisors are willing to grant such a franchise on very specific terms and will pull such franchise immediately if such terms are violated in any particular,<\/p>\n

NOW, THEREFORE, the premises considered, the parties hereto do hereby agree as follows:<\/p>\n

(1)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Terminology<\/em>.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Capitalization<\/em>. The church shall not capitalize \u201cchurch\u201d even when used as a proper noun, as ordinary rules of English do not apply to the Franchisor\u2019s elect. Besides, the denominations capitalize \u201cchurch,\u201d which makes it wrong because they are going to hell.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Name<\/em>: The church shall select a name based on a geographical location, either specifying the name of the town in which it is located or else the part of town in which it is located. It shall not<\/em> be named after a saint, a major donor, a Christian virtue, or an ordinal number. Hence, \u201cFirst church of Christ\u201d or \u201cHope church of Christ\u201d are strictly forbidden, as all churches of Christ mentioned in the New Testament bore a name such as \u201cEphesus Church of Christ\u201d or \u201cCentral church of Christ\u201d or \u201cEastside church of Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sanctuary<\/em>. The meeting area is the \u201cauditorium,\u201d as the denominations say \u201csanctuary\u201d and they are going to hell. \u201cAuditorium\u201d is more appropriate as that is the term used for areas where entertainment occurs.[1]<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

(d)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Minister<\/em>. Every member is a \u201cminister,\u201d but the ministers are more so because that\u2019s what we pay them to do.<\/p>\n

(e)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Brother\/Sister<\/em>. We don\u2019t use \u201cMr.\u201d or \u201cMrs.\u201d because we are family. The members shall call each other \u201cBrother\u201d or \u201cSister,\u201d as being on a first-name basis would be too familiar.<\/p>\n

(f)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Denomination<\/em>. The church of Christ franchisees do not constitute a \u201cdenomination\u201d and shall never refer to themselves as such, as denominations are subsets of the one true church. When churches of Christ form subsets of the one true church, they may not refer to such subset as a \u201cdenomination,\u201d as denominations do that, and that makes it wrong because they are going to hell. Rather, they shall deny that the other churches outside their subset are true churches, thus eliminating any and all risk of thinking of themselves as a denomination.<\/p>\n

(2)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Location<\/em>. The church building (the \u201cchurch\u201d is the people, not the bricks and mortar) shall not<\/em> be located on Main Street or Church Street. Main Street is forbidden as the land is too expensive. Church Street is forbidden as that\u2019s where the denominations are, and they are going to hell.<\/p>\n

(3)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Building standards<\/em>.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Kitchens\/Fellowship halls<\/em>. There shall be no kitchen or fellowship halls or anything that someone might even intentionally misconstrue as a kitchen, such as a communion preparation room with a sink. After all, the early church did not have kitchens in their church buildings, as they had no church buildings and met in homes instead.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Exceptions<\/em>. However, in some communities, a fellowship hall may be built and owned by the church if not physically connected to the building. Some communities require the land on which the building is situated to be separately subdivided from the land on which the church building is built and that there be no roads connecting the two. For further guidance, contact the nearest agent of the Holy Trinity. Although they frequently disagree with each other, they all know the Franchisor\u2019s will better than you.<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pews<\/em>. All seating shall be in pews, arrayed in parallel lines, even though this means many within the church won\u2019t be facing the preacher. This is not entertainment, so you don\u2019t have to be able to see without getting a crick in your neck. Jesus suffered for you, and you shall suffer for Jesus.<\/p>\n

(d)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Number of pews<\/em>. You shall install far more pews than you need, as the Franchisor will surely give us increase if we show faith through buying too many pews. The church shall rope off the back pews until the Franchisor gives the increase. The members shall sit in the roped off areas anyway.<\/p>\n

(e)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Padding<\/em>. Pews shall not be padded. This is not an entertainment venue. Jesus didn\u2019t have padding when he was hung on the cross. We are supposed to suffer with him at church.<\/p>\n

(f)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Baptistry<\/em>. The church building shall contain a baptistry, which shall include a heater. If the preacher is aware that someone intends to be baptized on Sunday, he shall turn the heater on the Saturday night before, as it takes many hours to heat up that much water. However, if he in unaware of any such plans, he should leave the baptistery water cold, as it\u2019s expensive to heat the water. Should someone come forward to be baptized unexpectedly, they\u2019ll be baptized in a bone-chilling grave of water. Fortunately, this is rarely a problem.<\/p>\n

(4)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 D\u00e9cor<\/em>.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There shall be no windows in the auditorium.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There may be a steeple provided it is of modest dimensions and has no cross. However, steeples are well known to be denominational, and the erection of such an icon may cause people to think of you as a denomination, and they are going to hell.<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There may be no stained or colored glass. There shall be a Jordan River scene behind the baptistery. Stained glass and crosses are forbidden because they are used by the denominations, and the denominations are going to hell. Moreover, the early church didn\u2019t have stained glass and crosses. They used the symbol for a fish. There shall be no fish symbols as they are Pentecostal. And insurance salesmen put them on the back of their cars, and you wouldn\u2019t want anyone to think that you sell insurance.<\/p>\n

(d)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Each church shall have two wooden placards behind the pulpit, one for today\u2019s hymn numbers and one for last week\u2019s attendance and contribution figures. The numbers shall be white on dark brown or black. If you run out of 7\u2019s, you may use an upside down 2.<\/p>\n

(e)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There shall be a tract rack in the foyer. It shall contain at least one stack of tracts urging the continued use of Jacobean English when praying to God. It shall contain another tract wondering why people no longer pray as they should. And it shall have three stacks of tracts explaining why we are Christians only but not the only Christians. And a series of tracts explaining why the denominations are all going to hell.<\/p>\n

(5)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Services<\/em>. There shall be three services per week, Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. It\u2019s understood that the scriptures do not require the night services, but they\u2019re still required.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Churches with fewer than the requisite minimum number of services shall lose their franchises.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Even though the evening services aren\u2019t required, they shall not be canceled for Christmas, New Years, the Super Bowl, or bowl games, as the Franchisor uses these as tests of our faith, and we wouldn\u2019t want the Franchisor to think we love football more than him.<\/p>\n

(6)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sermon<\/em>. Each sermon shall be followed by an invitation, as this is the First Century pattern.<\/p>\n

(7)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Music<\/em>: All singing in the church building shall be a cappella<\/em>. Instrumental accompaniment is allowed for weddings if prerecorded, as the Franchisor really only objects to the presence of instruments, except during the worship hour, when even recordings of the instrument are not allowed. And at any other time. Except weddings, as the elders have daughters.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Special music<\/em>. Solos, quartets, and other special music are strictly forbidden as the Franchisor has told us to sing to \u201cone another.\u201d However, alto leads are quite permissible, as churches of Christ sing traditional music and do not resort to entertainment.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Entertaining<\/em>. Music shall not be entertaining, as this is what the denominations do, and they are going to hell. Rather, song leading shall be at 30 beats per minute or less, to make certain that the music is devoid of entertainment value. Get your entertainment at home.<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Instruments<\/em>. The singing of worshipful songs at home or in the car shall not be accompanied by instrumental music, as it\u2019s worship whether it occurs during the assembly or outside the assembly.<\/p>\n

(d)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Exception<\/em>. If the Freed Hardeman chorus passes through town, they may not sing apart from the congregation during the assembly, as this would be a choir, which is sinful form of worship used by the denominations, which are going to hell. However, they may sing after the closing prayer, as this is no longer worship but entertainment.<\/p>\n

(8)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Communion<\/em>. Communion shall be served weekly. By \u201cweekly\u201d we mean, of course, twice weekly.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The first serving shall be at the morning service.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The second serving shall be at the Sunday night service. The second time is only for those Providentially hindered, not that we believe the Franchisor actually hinders people from attending church as the Franchisor cannot tempt and He hasn\u2019t done anything since the First Century. Those who are self-hindered and call it Providentially hindered shall be served with the entire congregation, meaning the faithful who come back, which shall be no more than 75% of the church; but those who\u2019ve already been served shall not partake of it a second time, but as we are family, we will watch while those who were Providentially hindered are served, even though this is really uncomfortable for everyone. Taking communion twice in one day would be sin because it\u2019s just not done that way.<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBread\u201d or \u201cloaf\u201d means unleavened bread, as this is what was served at Passover, and the first Lord\u2019s Supper was a part of a Passover meal. \u201cFruit of the vine\u201d means unfermented grape juice, as the Passover meal included multiple cups of wine, but the Franchisor didn\u2019t mean for that to happen anymore, as the Old Covenant was hung on the cross.<\/p>\n

(d)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Communion shall be served from a table at the front of the building by male members of the congregation in good standing. The men shall walk in a straight line and otherwise treat the occasion with the same sobriety as a funeral. Smiling is impermissible during communion. Women may not pass the elements, as this would require them to stand, and standing parts are solely for men, as serving a meal is inappropriate for women and might cause them to think they may speak.<\/p>\n

(e)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Each offering shall be separated from the Lord\u2019s Supper by the incantation \u201cseparate and apart from the Lord\u2019s Supper.\u201d This is because people might otherwise think that Jesus passed a collection plate at the original Lord\u2019s Supper, but he did not, as the original Lord\u2019s Supper was held on a Thursday night.<\/p>\n

(f)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The Lord\u2019s Supper shall never be taken on a Thursday night, as there is no Biblical example authorizing the same.<\/p>\n

(g)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Each communion service shall be preceded by a brief talk. The talk shall include a statement that we are opposed to transubstantiation and consubstantiation, because if you don\u2019t say so each week, someone will wonder if you\u2019ve secretly converted to Catholicism or Lutheranism. Besides, any unbeliever in the crowd will surely be concerned to know our position on this issue.<\/p>\n

(9)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sermons<\/em>: The preacher shall preach twice on Sunday and teach on Sunday morning and Wednesday night, because that\u2019s what we\u2019re paying him for. Sermons on baptism, the five steps of salvation, or divorce shall be on Sunday night. That\u2019s just the way it is.<\/p>\n

(10)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Contribution<\/em>. The contribution shall be as each member is prospered, which shall be weekly. If a member is paid monthly, he is still prospered weekly, because it would look bad not to give a check every week.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Funds given to the church treasury shall only be used for matters under the jurisdiction of the elders or overseen by another eldership. Except for an orphanage or college.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Campus ministries shall be overseen by a board because ministries to students aren\u2019t part of the jurisdiction of an eldership.<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Campus ministries shall not be overseen by a board because ministries to students are part of the jurisdiction of an eldership.<\/p>\n

(d)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Subparagraphs (b) and (c) are salvation issues, and a breach will trigger a loss of franchise.<\/p>\n

(11)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Prayer<\/em>. There shall be an opening prayer, a main prayer, a prayer before each element of the communion, and a closing prayer. In each prayer the church shall pray for forgiveness of sins and that their worship has been done decently and in order, with the understanding that the Franchisor is a patient, compassionate God who forgives. However, it is understood that the prayers of other franchised churches will not be heard so that they will lose their franchises should they make any mistake at all in their worship.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Posture for prayer<\/em>. The Bible teaches that the Jews and early church sometimes prostrated themselves before the Franchisor or prayed looking into heaven with hands raised. Paul commands us to lift holy hands to the Franchisor. As these practices are Pentecostal, we will pray seated, with eyes closed and heads bowed. There shall be no variation.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Words to be used<\/em>. Each main prayer shall include a request that the Franchisor \u201cgive the preacher a ready recollection.\u201d Each closing prayer shall include a request that the Franchisors \u201cguide, guard, and direct us.\u201d Of course, we mean that the Franchisors shall do these things in a Providential manner, without any miracle or violation of the laws of nature, meaning that we\u2019re actually just hoping that the preacher remembers on his own and that we get through the week on our own. We are blessed to let the Franchisor know our desires even if we don\u2019t expect him to do anything about it.<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Language<\/em>. The Franchisor prefers 17th<\/sup> Century English to modern English. He\/They shall be referred to as \u201cThee,\u201d \u201cThou, etc. End verbs with \u201ceth\u201d when appropriate by the grammatical rules of Jacobean English. Otherwise, the Franchisor might not hear your prayers – or might even get angry at your lack of respect.<\/p>\n

(12)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Clothing<\/em>. It\u2019s understood that we must give our best to the Franchisor and so we will dress in coats and ties and formalwear, but not too formal, even if we have better. The Franchisor has relaxed this rule on Sunday nights and even more so on Wednesdays, because the Franchisor is a loving Franchisor who keeps up with the times – except on Sunday morning when we worship exactly like the First Century church. Women may not wear pants on Sunday morning, but the Franchisor has relented on this rule for other services. Culottes remain a question requiring further guidance, as we often can\u2019t really tell a dress from culottes.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Women are not required to wear a veil, hat, or other headcovering, except in some churches. This is not a fellowship issue, as it only involves worship, where the Franchisor tolerates some differences of opinion, but not always. For further guidance, check with the Franchisor\u2019s agents on earth, who disagree with each other but have a direct pipeline to the Franchisor and so know the Franchisor\u2019s will better than you do.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 No sandals. After all, that doesn\u2019t fit the First Century pattern. Even if they\u2019re your best sandals. Except for women, who have greater rights than men when it comes to fashion.<\/p>\n

(13)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Elders<\/em>. The church shall have a plurality of elders. This is obvious from the fact that the scriptures always speak of elders in the plural. Therefore, if you have only one qualified man, you shall have no elders and shall instead by overseen by unqualified men.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In the absence of elders, the church shall be governed by the men\u2019s business meeting, as this is plainly taught in the scriptures. Women are not allowed to have authority over men, and therefore may not even be present, as men are easily intimidated by their wives. If women were allowed to speak, men might find their arguments persuasive, which would undercut male spiritual leadership. Better to make bad decisions than to accept input.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Should a subject come up where the women have special knowledge or expertise, they should not be called, as this might appear weak. Rather, the men should make the best decision they can without talking to the women, as this is the essence of spiritual leadership. They can fix their mistakes at the next meeting after their wives straighten them out in private.<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The elders are charged by scripture with protecting the flock from false doctrine. This is done by requiring the preacher to teach only sound and faithful teachings. The preacher, having been to preacher school, knows more about what is sound and faithful than the elders. Therefore, whatever the preacher preaches is okay.<\/p>\n

(14)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Deacons<\/em>. Deacons shall be appointed in all churches, or else the church will not be scripturally organized and it will lose its franchise.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Deacons need not have jobs and there is no job that only a deacon can do. Therefore, only men may be deacons, and they must be married and have multiple children, as only such men have the life experience essential to the job.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Even though the Bible does not tell us what deacons are to do, we shall insist that all programs be headed by a deacon, as that is required to be scripturally organized. However, a minister may head a program, so long as a token deacon is over him, even if the deacon has no experience or skills appropriate to the job.<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Women may lead programs involving children, provided the programs aren\u2019t listed as such in the church directory.<\/p>\n

(15)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Membership<\/em>. If someone converts a couple who has been unscripturally divorced and remarried, and they are baptized, the elders must either permit them to become members or not. Either way, the church will split. Therefore, such couples should not be converted or else should be encouraged to attend somewhere else.<\/p>\n

(16)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Smoking<\/em>. Smoking is a sin, as our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit, of course, no longer lives in our bodies other than through the word of the Franchisor, but the principle still applies. Smoking between class and worship shall be outdoors on the side porch. An ashtray is provided for your convenience.<\/p>\n

(17)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Priests<\/em>. We believe in the priesthood of believers. Each member is empowered by the Franchisor to interpret scripture for himself. Those who interpret scripture differently from the elders shall be asked to leave. The elders shall interpret the scriptures as instructed by the preacher, as he\u2019s been to preacher school. Even though anyone can understand the scriptures if they have common sense and an open heart, it really helps to have been to preacher school, as preachers learn things there we never would have figured out from just reading the Bible.<\/p>\n

(18)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Preparing to worship<\/em>. When the worshippers enter the auditorium, they shall sit quietly, as this indicates true reverence. Talking shall take place in a less sanctified location. Even though the auditorium is not holy, being a mere expedient, it can be made unholy by talking too loudly, eating, drinking, or otherwise indulging the flesh. However, these behaviors are permitted in the foyer, as the Franchisor doesn\u2019t mind that.<\/p>\n

(19)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Women<\/em>. Women may not ask questions during the worship, which is public, as they should ask their husbands at home. They may, however, ask the preacher questions in the foyer afterwards.<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 They may also ask questions and make comments in class, as classes are private.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Women may teach men in private; however, they may not teach men in class, as classes are public.<\/p>\n

(20)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Salvation<\/em>. We are Christians only but not the only Christians. We should express how insulted we feel when people say we think we\u2019re the only ones going to heaven. It\u2019s not true, and the jokes based on that premise are definitely not funny<\/em>. But the denominations are all going to hell. Because they aren\u2019t churches of Christ. They even capitalize \u201cChurch.\u201d<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 As salvation depends on how worship is conducted and how the church is organized, if this church violates any of these rules, the members must leave, even if it means taking communion alone at home and meeting in a building with a kitchen.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 If this church fellowships another church that violates any of these rules, it will lose its franchise, and the members must leave.<\/p>\n

(c)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 If the preacher sits on a board with a man who is part of a church that violates any of these rules, or with a man who sits on another board with man who is part of a church that has lost its franchise, this church will lose its franchise. And all its members must leave.<\/p>\n

(d)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 If anyone missed three services in a row, after being twice warned, the church shall withdraw fellowship. He probably won\u2019t care anyway, so send him a card advising him he is no longer on the roll. There\u2019s no need to visit in person or call.<\/p>\n

(21)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Silence<\/em>. All silences in this contract shall be construed as prohibitions, except when the silence is regarding an aid or an expedient. But not when the aid or expedient is a separate act of worship. To determine what is and isn\u2019t an \u201cact of worship,\u201d see the Franchisor\u2019s agents on earth, latest issue. If they disagree on a point, remember that we are a priesthood of believers, all with the right to interpret the Franchisor\u2019 will and that elders have no jurisdiction outside of their congregations to bind their will. But editors, as the Franchisor\u2019s agents on earth, have no such limits and may condemn and damn as they see fit, as God\u2019s agents on earth.<\/p>\n

(22)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Meetings<\/em>. There shall be an annual week-long \u201cgospel meeting.\u201d This is for the purpose of saving the lost. Therefore it\u2019s critical that other franchise churches in town attend your meeting, even though they aren\u2019t lost. This is called \u201csupporting the meeting,\u201d which will need support because the lost won\u2019t be there.<\/p>\n

(23)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Innovations<\/em>. All innovations are wrong. All innovations requiring the expenditure of money are especially wrong, even requiring the church to split. Hence, the church shall divide over the introduction of fellowship halls, buses, support for missionaries through the church treasury, support for orphanages through the church treasury, etc. Certain innovations prior to 1950 are permissible, such as the Sunday school, multiple cups, sound systems, and the American Standard Version.<\/p>\n

(24)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Translations<\/em>. The King James Version shall be used in all public and private reading of Franchisor\u2019s holy word. The American Standard Version, being more than a 100 years old, is acceptable if you can find a copy. All other versions are liberal, being written by the denominations, which are going to hell.<\/p>\n

(25)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Identity<\/em>. The church shall have a name found in scripture. Any of the many names for the church found in scripture are acceptable. If it\u2019s \u201cchurch of Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n

(a)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We are the continuation of the church of Christ founded at Pentecost with the first gospel sermon preached by Peter. We have continually existed ever since, and the denominations are all digressions from the one, true church of Christ founded on that day.<\/p>\n

(b)\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We are part of the Restoration Movement, so called because the great leaders of the 19th<\/sup> Century restored First Century Christianity. Even though it had never been lost and so didn\u2019t really need restoring. Which is why we never talk about it.<\/p>\n

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have hereunto set their hands and seals.<\/p>\n

\n

[1]<\/strong><\/a>WordNet\u00ae 3.0, \u00a9 2006 by Princeton University: \u201cthe area of a theater or concert hall where the audience sits.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Posted: 12 Mar 2009 05:00 PM PDT by Jay Guin<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s (Almost) Friday! The Franchise Agreement [acknowledgements below] The other day, we elders were chatting about the possibility of canceling Wednesday night services for part of the summer.\u00a0 The volunteers in our children\u2019s ministry are worn out, and the school … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":15,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[63],"tags":[67,66,64,65,10],"class_list":["post-315","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-church","tag-contract","tag-law","tag-rules","tag-tradition"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/15"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=315"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":317,"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315\/revisions\/317"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=315"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=315"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mgmorrow.com\/IronSharpensIron\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=315"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}